My Sins Whilst Sleeping


My Sins Whilst Sleeping

Los Angeles, California
An industrial complex warehouse
Wednesday, November 14, 2007

"The gods have two ways of dealing harshly with us -- the first is to deny us our dreams, and the second is to grant them." -Oscar Wilde

"The machine offered Descartes a model for thinking about the human body. It later provided British mathematician Alan Turing with a model for intelligent behavior. But machines will never be able to give the thinking process a model of thought itself, since machines are not mortal. What gives humans access to the symbolic domain of value and meaning is the fact that we die." - Regis Debray, French journalist

Cameron awoke to the sensation of being crushed. Her diagnostics had done an emergency shutdown, recalling her conscious mind early to attempt to survive.

Time was off. The amount of time she had been down wasn't seconds, it had been hours. Something was wrong.

Her location was wrong. Everything was wrong.

Her skin and organs roared in pain. All of her finely tuned senses were in agony. There was the roar of a truck engine, the smell of diesel, harsh vibration and the scent of her own blood.

Her full consciousness drifted forward to look at John smashing a truck window in front of her. The past few hours began to drift to focus, things that should have been instantaneous were taking way to long to process.

She began realizing the severity of the situation when John was pulling her skin back going for her chip. He was taking her down, like she was nothing more than a T888 that went bad.

With machine like calm, she reasoned with him, like she was back in the bunker, twenty years ago. "John. John? You can't do this. You don't know what you're about to do. "

John retorted, "Yes, I do. You were gonna kill me."

He was sense blind, like all humans. He couldn't just touch her and know she was ok. Something was wrong, John was wounded. Something had hurt John.

"No, John. You can't do this. You're not doing the right thing. This is not the right thing, John. Things are good now. Things are fine now. I ran a test. Things are good now. I'm fixed now. You can trust me now. Everything's good now. "

From behind her, Sarah screamed, "What are you waiting for?" If Sarah's truck alone could have crushed Cameron, she would have already been dead. The woman Cameron respected most in the world was trying to kill her.

"She doesn't know, she doesn't. I'm good now. I'm good, I ran a test. Everything's perfect. I'm perfect."

Skynet's programming had done this. Her dark creator had done something too her. Something was wrong. John's memory scrubbing hadn't worked.

John didn't understand. She wouldn't have hurt him. She would never hurt him.

Sarah screamed, "John!"

The memories started cuing up in her mind. The unconscious actions flooded in her default memory.

At the same time, she started reading John through his skin. He was hurt, loved her, and was scared of her. He was scared of her.

"I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry. It wasn't me. You have to understand. It wasn't me. "

In milliseconds, to Cameron's own horror, she understood she had tried to kill John. She had tortured Sarah. She had betrayed everything she stood for and everyone she cared about.

Her face broke. Emotion started pouring out of it, it wasn't just her. Like a night long ago, everything that was in him was starting to pour out of her.

"That wasn't me. You can't let this happen, John."

The horror of the situation built inside her. She had failed.

Her eyes watered. Her voice tightened.

"You can't! Please, listen to me."

The John who had sent her would die. She had failed.

"Listen to me. I don't want to go. Please, John, please. John, listen to me."

Even only being 242 days old, she had always been willing to die for John, but not like this. She wasn't as his enemy, please, not like this.

"I don't want to go. Please, John. Please."

Memories crashed into her with a force more crushing than Sarah's truck. She saw an older John reading to her with his silly book. She saw John on the bed touching her after putting her chip back in two nights ago.

She thought of deeper more personal memories, of twenty six days she had been willing to wait twenty years for again. Everything she'd every known or experienced well up in front of her.

John's emotions ran through her as well, everything that he'd every felt about her crashed up in that moment. That and a fear of her that she had never wanted to sense in him. His heart was breaking.

"I'm good now. Listen to me. I don't want to go. I'm sorry. That wasn't me. I'm fixed now. I ran a test. Everything's perfect. You can trust me." Her eyes watered further and she was on the verge of tears.

His mother ordered, "John Connor!"

In a last moment of panic, she broke her word to her John and her orders. She begged. She pleaded. She asked for mercy the only way she could.

"I love you! I love you, please. I love you, John, and you love me." She didn't just wear her grief on her face, she wore his.

She could see in John's eyes that he didn't understand. She felt his wave of anger. He didn't believe her.

Cameron felt John grab her chip. He terminated her. The world went dark.


Cameron awoke covered in thermite. There was a car that was to serve as her grave.

John had a gun. He had held it on Sarah, Charlie, and Derek. They were all panicked.

John pointed the gun on her. She could smell the thermite.

Cameron asked, "Are you here to kill me John?"

John returned, "Are you here to kill me?"

"....No." Her responses were slow, like the words and her reactions took seconds to get to her mouth.

"Promise." John handed her the gun.

Cameron grabbed the gun. She looked at it for a second and everything became confusing.

Cameron's HUD flashed a terminate command. It wasn't just a command priority, it was something darker. It was something tainted with her dark creator's mechanical hate.

For a moment, she held the gun on him. For a second, she felt Skynet's alien wrath moving through her.

She looked at John and stopped it. She refused. She ignored Skynet's order, just like she had ignored John's.

"Promise." She handed him the gun. John helped her out of the car.

Cameron looked at John. Then she looked at Derek, Charlie, and Sarah.

John had turned on his own mother over her. Her John had never done that. Her John would never have done that.

The look on Derek's face would be the same as that of John's army. John had chosen a piece of Metal over the human race.

These were moments that both Skynet and John had warned about. Where a mistake could have unintended consequences. They had different theories, but both would have agreed on this.

John's actions and worldview had changed. He'd chosen a machine over humanity and defended her against those that needed him most.

Cameron had changed history. She'd damaged the most important relationship in John's life. She had potentially damaged the morale of John's army.

Things would change and not for the better. Somewhere, she could almost hear her dark creator mechanically laughing.

She could only think, "What have I done? What have I done..."

TSCC - What It Means To Be a Connor - Sarah & John by Schmacky

Whilst Sleeping

Cameron Wall paper

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